Being a female Aussie tennis player, people continually ask me three questions. Have you done the Grand Slam? Have you fucked Tim Henman, and do ya take it up the arse? I’ll answer them in reverse order:  Yes, but only when I’m pissed. Yes, but only because he drugged me, and yes I have done the Grand Slam. Although it wasn't quite as grand in those days. In fact some would say it wasn't particularly fucking grand at all!

I've played at Wimbledon many times. I played in midfield alongside Vinny Jones. Only kidding. I played on the right wing.

At the moment I’m going out with one of this year’s Wimbledon semi-finalists Lleyton Hewitt. That’s Heww-itt! The only player on the circuit whose surname sounds like someone throwing up in a toilet.  Before that I was shagging Wayne Ferreira. I dumped him when he started making those fucking chocolates.  

My latest client for tennis coaching is the MP David Blunkett. He’s very easy to motivate. Every time he serves, I tell him it was an ace.

Delighted to hear that wheelchair tennis is finally taking off. Christopher Reeve can now return serve using nothing but his eyelids…. and Stephen Hawking is coming on very well indeed. He’s not so good at reaching overheads, but he’s great at sniffing out a black hole. Which brings us right back to Venus Williams.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and play mixed doubles with Richard & Judy. Judy’s very fond of mixed doubles. She likes a double whisky mixed with a double gin.  G’day!